Friday, January 06, 2006

Narrative Dies in 22 Colors

How dissapointing was it to find out that the Fiery Furnaces were actually no good? Or to hear the Decemberists and Death Cab finally make those aggressively mediocre, extravagant nothing records you always feared they would? Well, I learned from it; I learned that the perfect lyrics, the perfect music, the bebop, the vibe-- they're all meaningless. Unless you can take the perfect song, gut it to a hormonal thump and bump, and make it grind up on some 3-minute piece of ephemeral radio fame until they form an ironic aural postmodern lustchild that's poppier than anything any poorly dyed blonde can say about bananas-- unless some anonymous balding bootleg deejay can do that-- then it's not worth a listen. Yeah. Definitely. So, the top MASH-UPS of 2005 in definitive ascension:

22. American Analog Set vs. Kelly Clarkson- Since U Been Hard 2 Find- Aggro 1
21. Tegan & Sara vs. Mylo- Walking With a Ghost in Paris- Party Ben
20. Nine Inch Nails vs. Bloc Party- Bloc of Nails- Tim G
19. Beastie Boys vs. Death From Above 1979- Movin' It Out- Aggro 1
18. Kelly Clarkson vs. The Bravery- Brave Boot- DJ Payroll
17. The Isley Brothers vs. Oasis- Wonderwall A Little While- DJ Paysano
16. Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Nelly- Sweet Home Country Grammar
15. Eminem vs. Eurythmics- Sweet Dreams Without Me- ???
14. Shaggy vs. Beatles- Let It Be Me- Bavor
13. Led Zeppelin vs. Snoop Dogg- Drop It Like It's a Whole Lotta Love- Party Ben
12. Jay Z vs. Jimi Hendrix- Voodoo Problems- Tim G
11. Iggy Pop vs. Diana Ross- Lovechild Lust- ???
10. Andrew WK vs. Beastie Boys- Andrew Fights for His Right to Party- Tim G
9. Weezer vs. 50 Cent- Beverly Hills Pimp- DJ Erb
8. Green Day vs. Oasis vs. Travis- Boulevard of Broken Songs- Party Ben
7. Linkin Park vs. Britney Spears- Faintly Toxic- ???
6. Ying Yang Twins & Mike Jones vs. The Cure- Badd to Me- ???
5. Lyrics Born vs. U2- Callin' On Sunday- Party Ben
4. Nine Inch Nails vs. 50 Cent- Closer to Da Club- ???
3. Christina Aguilera vs. Jet- Dirrty Girl- Soundhog
2. Kanye West vs. Black Sabbath- Gold and Iron Mambo- RIAA
1. Gwen Stefani vs. The Soggy Bottom Boys- Constant Sorrow Hollaback Girl- DJ Erb

But the real winner is R. Kelly: Trapped in the Closet with Director's Commentary is the best thing to come out of 2005.


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